2005-04-18, 3:27 p.m.

not a week ago i had been telling my friend who is head over heels in crush with some guy, just how content i've been to be going it alone.

i truly have been, since getting over the bitter business of being dumped over the summer.

it took some time.

i didn't know what an ego blow it was, considering just how much i've treated myself like shit over the years, self-esteemly.

by december i somehow came to admit a certain love for myself, something i've never felt before, and now, damn, i really do enjoy being me.

i've grown up quite considerably lately, and its odd, just the amount of changes i've gone through since moving back to this little town, almost two years ago...

but i digress...

...

i haven't had what i'd call a solid crush on anyone since the summer. for me that's pretty strange, cuz i usually find some girl to get all stupid about, and let tear me up inside.

of course, until friday night.

it was one of those random adventures, the one day when you decide to do something out of the ordinary, go on some strange adventure, and lo and behold, crazy shit happens.

i went to a local dance club, one i'd never been to, on gay night of all nights, and of course met one of the few straight girls there.

we danced a little, and though i didn't get to talk to her much, i was quite smitten, just feeling that odd feeling, like "this could mean something." plus her friend was telling me she was really into me.

so i manned up, asked for her number (and i wasn't even drooling drunk at that point, cuz it usually takes quite a bit of liquid courage to get me to talk to a girl), got them digits, and damn, it felt good.

later the friends i was with, and the girl, went to an even gayer afterparty, filled with homos. and i mean that in the most stereotypical sense, cuz these fella's were not breaking any molds.

i had no idea how brutal some people can be to members of their own kind. damn.

but the whole party felt creepy, not cuz i was the only straight guy there, but just the vibe. that and no free alcohol, so yeah, i ended up leaving, kind of making a slight ass of myself when saying goodbye to the girl.

i fell asleep that night on top of the world, whispering her name as i drifted into dreams.

...

now enter last night, probably one of the most fucked up situations i've been into in a while.

so the same friend that got me to go to the club that night, invited me out to the next town over in order to hang out with the crush and some friends.

i said hell yeah.

we arrived and proceeded to drink, as is our way, and my friend ended up going off with some other girl, leaving me in a group of strangers with the crush.

i'll admit i'm quiet in strange company, so i know i didn't talk much, but at the same the crush didn't seem at all that interested as my friend talked it up to be.

we barely spoke all night. and when i did get a moment to be one on one on the porch, she called three people, one of whom she practically asked out on a date...

then, my ride ended up getting into a dyke fight, like full on brutal, face bashing, biting, crazy holy shit i'm never fighting a lesbian, fight, with the girl she was making out with's girlfriend, who happened to stop by.

so my ride bailed, after an hour of screaming, and called me and offered a ride, but then hung up suddenly, and i was left in a room of strangers, then the crush fell asleep, and i decided to just utterly drink myself into coma which didn't work, cuz i ran out of beer, and just stewed with such pissed off, i don't know what.

luckily some kind hearted soul drove me home at 4:30 in the morning, and i sat on my porch, in the quiet darkness bemoaning my fate, and just being at such a loss with the nature of crushes, and the wide range of emotions...

i'm still formulating my hypothesis right now.

i've never been good with crushes, let alone actual dating...

and i don't know what now.

still pissed. and i had such a great first date planned.

thunder clouds.

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